Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Only if distance Mattered.!

The feeling of getting in the college I always dreamt of was really surreal but still the thought of leaving the Mumbai was killing me deep inside. And obviously how could I just move forward leaving all those memories and moments behind and just shift to not some other state but another part of globe. Everyone seemed so happy and relieved as my parents were really worried about my future like other every parent.

All the thoughts started creeping in mind at once, every scene seemed like just yesterday. Those walks at marine drive, those hang out joints, eating out at the streets, laughing sarcastically with no reason, fighting on nonsense things and than make that up in few minutes; everything minute thing was just so perfect.

I thought of him. I really needed to see him at this instance. It was one of the most important decisions of my life and I really needed him by my side. I wondered what he must be thinking. I was so lost in thoughts and phone rang. I was him.

“Hey,” I tried really hard to sound happy.

“Hi, congrats Beta. You really rocked. I am really so happy for you. You are gem,” my father almost screamed with happiness.

Well, that was weird. He seemed happy; not at all sad about me going away for one whole year.

“Really??” I still wasn’t sure if he’s really happy.

“Yes!! Obviously doll, why would you doubt that! I am really very very happy.” He actually was happy.

“Thanks,” I whispered.

“But you don’t sound happy. What is going on? What is wrong?” He was concerned.

“Nothing. Its just, it will be whole one year. Lots of things can change in one year. How can I leave you people and just go,” I felt so dumb as soon I finished my sentence since my father is very hale and hearty. He is serving in Indian Navy and is as strong as a rock.

“Think of the day you will return after you graduate. Think how happy we all will be. Get out of the trap baby; be happy and relax. Trust me we will be fine, just perfectly fine,” and he laughed.

“If you say so,” I replied.

“Perfect. So I am coming home to meet you all and I NEED TO SEE YOU SMILING, you understand?” and I felt relaxed.

The stress was eased to an extent. Still I was a little worried but that nothing in front of the happiness I gave everyone. I got up to move out, after all had lots of preparations to do.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Way I Planned!!

 I shut my laptop down and collapsed in the sofa. The results were out of the entrance exam finally and I did not clear it with really good marks. I felt the room getting darken in front of my eyes. I heard so many noises in my head in no time.

“I told you to get admission somewhere this year anyhow and complete your studies. After all we have your responsibility to get you get married.” It was Mom, raising with her eyebrows up with anger.

“It’s your fault entirely. You never tell her anything when she doesn’t study and keeps writing and reading, I don’t know what things,” Dad said slowly with disgust.

I looked stunned. I didn’t know what to say.

“But Dad, I am already working. Getting an MBA degree just for the sake of it is not what I planned for myself and plus you always like what I write. You only say it’s good.” I was really amazed. He always supported me.

“Don’t give silly excuses. This writing some bullshit is not going to take you anywhere. Have you ever thought what you going to do in your life? One can not spend life writing things.” I wished he knew these words would break my heart.

I gave up, n more arguments as my throat chocked. How just few numbers on a paper can decide my future? I had no option but to lock myself in my room, Alone.

I sat down and tears started rolling down.  but then calmed myself down and thought about few coming days. My moist eyes closed themselves as the thought process started.

“Wake up, how long you have sleeping. Your result was supposed to come today, right?” I saw Mom’s face just above my head.

I found myself, lying and dreaming but still on sofa.

I looked at her and smiled. That dream made me decide that I have to prove that its my work can that actually can make a difference, not the big degrees I don't even want to do.

I waited for dad to come home so I can tell him my real plans for the life which I plan to live. 

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Will She? Won't She?

Always wondered what is in that look. Sometimes wanted to probe into it. But realized that that look is hiding something she is unwilling to share.

I wanted to reason with myself, in knowing what is it that is hidden in those eyes. But then realized the reasoning was unreasonable. I felt like walking away from it, as much as that may seem implausible. I yet wanted to push myself and learn what could that innocent spiel mean, but didn’t do it. Didn’t do it because I wanted to keep my feelings unquestionable.

As irresistible as it may seem, every touch, every stolen look, every time I hear her laugh compels me to learn about what’s hidden behind those looks.

Now, I feel a gap for hope. A move lacking from her end, as plausible as it may seem, I want her to tell me what she feels. I don’t want to taint my love, I want her to come to me willingly and tell me what she really feels. 

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Something ALL Around Me!! :D

There I was, sitting by the very lonely and low coastal area of Indian Sea. Feeling very temped to walk bare foot on the waves like they really yelled at me “C’mon, have a ride, what can really stop you from doing what you really want to do.”

It was the break I took which I needed for taking some time out only for me and better to say think about me. Away from all the responsibilities and drama I was going through.

I was very used to walk on the way which always ended up on laughter and happiness. Never bounded and never questioned. But it was all past.

The present is:-

  • I have a morning to evening job which doesn’t really pay much but I am happy having a nice Boss and really nice and chilled environment so the pay doesn’t matter as long as I don’t have a family which is all dependant on me and being a Girl it’s really sufficient for me.

  • Unlike my past I live my family now. Its not really a big thing to deal with but I am not used to it. But I feel bounded perhaps because it’s a lot like what’s happen to a free bird flying in sky when you put him in a cage and even worse you cut his wings. Its not something implausible. Any ways I am really trying very hard to deal with it as I love my parents but I love my freedom too.

  • I talk a lot and even used to talk a lot. Just difference is I used to talk to people who loved me the way I was and cared for in spite of hoe many arguments we had and now I talk to myself behind the doors closed. People around me don’t really have time to listen to what I say. But I am again trying very hard to keep the smile up.

  • I am a dreamer. I love to dream about things even tough I understand they don’t exist. I look at wall and dream, I can in dream while sleeping and even keeping my eyes closed. I can dream walking and even sitting idle. I can dream about something which really means a lot and even about bullshit. Truth is I love to dream.

  • An optimistic who really believes everything happens for a reason. Like if someone hurts you just chill that he is made for not to be cared and if someone gives you happiness again chill and don’t expect that next time the same would happen. Make your way out and move on.

  • I am a passive reader and struggling writer. Every post I write I find is a master piece but after writing the second one I think this can possibly beat all the records. Lol.  I love to paint tough even I can’t understand what I have captured on canvas but who cares anyway. What is the harm in leaving those papers tainted? At least I love it.

  • I love everyone. Better I not talk about relationships here as it may get disclosed to my parents and may be very second day I will be shot dead. Any ways. I feel, Love is not about loving a person. It about loving that feeling when you can feel that you are an essential part of some one’s existence and they willingly accept you the way you are.

  • I love my friends. Every one of them. Each of them. They are the real best things ever happened to me. I trust them more my own. I love them for being there for me and keeping on their hold of me whenever I feel am losing the grip or falling down. They are my strengths and charms of my life.

  • I believe in my self as my instincts are hardly ever wrong. I even can be a spy in a way as i am really very good at finding out what actually lies behind those words spoken and yes, am also really good at finding out what has been lied to me.

  • Okay. Like everyone I love myself, now that is a different thing that I give more priority to people I love. I care for them more than myself and think about their happiness more than mine. But I ma really mean as I expect the same from them also and obviously end up hurting myself as few people are not worth caring for.

  • My life is an open book but as a person I am not. Very unpredictable and that’s where people mistake understanding me. Sometimes they understand that what is going on in my heart as am quite expressive so the think that they know me all but what goes behind my walls of brain, in my mind is never out or known.

P.S. I really have so much more to write but I bet no one wants to listen or read about me. But you would read once my book would be a best seller.

Any ways come on; join me in discover what is still undiscovered about me as I don’t say my mind out but I write!!